To Pay or Not to Pay

It has come up recently regarding a date I was going on as to whether the guy is responsible for picking up the tab on a date. In 2013, where does society stand on this age old situation?

We've had women's lib and women who want to be treated equal.  In the workplace, in the home, in society as a whole.  But what does that do for dating?  Are women meant to do the chasing now?  Do we wait the prescribed 3 days before calling a guy?   Do we hold the door for him?  Pull his chair out?  It's kind of confusing for us women so I can only imagine what it's like for guys.

This bitch ruined it for the rest of us!!

Part of the problem is that it can be different depending on the woman you're with.  Some prefer to not be treated like a delicate flower and are quite proud they've earned their own money and therefore want to pay their own way.  Others want the whole shebang of being wined and dined with car doors opened, chairs pulled out and men to pick up the tab.  Then there's also the connotation that if you expect the man to pay for things that you're a gold digger.  So where does that leave us?

 

Personally, I prefer going more old school.  I want a man to hold the door to the building open for me and let me go through first.  Car doors are optional.  He doesn't need to pull out my chair and I prefer he not order my food for me, unless it means one of us has to leave the table to do it (this happens at some restaurants in Australia where you don't order at the table but at a counter, and not fast food).  I also think the man should pick up the tab for things, especially food and drinks.  Activities I'm open to paying my own way.  But if we go out to eat, even if I was the one who asked him out, he should still pay.  I mean that's what my grandpas would have done so why can't this dude?  Now I'm not saying I'd never offer to pick up a tab every now and then.  I certainly do.  Often I feel guilty if they guy has been paying for things all day and it's totaled up to quite an amount.  I did it recently after the guy had paid for our dinner the night before which was really expensive, then ice cream afterwards.  We met up again the next day and he paid for lunch and a few rounds of beers.  I then offered to pay for dinner that night as he'd been paying for everything else up until that point.  Is that a bad thing?  Was it emasculating to do that?  I feel like I look like a money hungry mooch or gold digger if I don't at least offer to pay.  Even if I'm hoping he says no to my offer.  But if I say nothing I feel like an ass.

Have manners really become that old fashioned?

So what's the protocol?  Why has this become such an issue?  And why does it seem that general manners have gone out the window as well?  Is it really that hard to hold a door open for me and allow me to walk through it first?  Or to help me carry my bags or offer to pick up the heavy thing?  I have (sadly) dated men who seemed to be a bit daft at this concept.  Which boggles the mind because their parents aren't like that.  Their dads were chivalrous and knew how to treat a woman.  So what was wrong with their sons?

Grandpa knew how to treat a lady

I know I've gone all over the place with this post from general manners to who pays but really, they kind of go together.  So what am I supposed to do or expect in the current dating world?  Or is it a crap shoot and I can't expect anything, but have to take the gamble with each new date?

We need more men like this

This is exhausting.

Naked Paparazzi

When exactly did we move into the age of the dick pic?  You know what it is, a man takes a photo of his penis with his phone and then texts it to a woman.  I don't know about the rest of you women but I can't say there's ever been a day when I thought, you know I could really use a close up photograph of some man's penis to make my day just that much better.  No, never.

And yet, I keep getting sent penis pics.  Lots of them.  I've actually contemplated printing them all out and putting them in a small photo album with the dude's name written on the back along with the date it was sent.  Kind of like one of those grandma's brag book type albums.

Gina's Dick Book?

I don't know if I'll carry it around in my purse or just leave it on my coffee table for guests when they come over.  

Seriously though, what's with the dick pics?  Why do you men send them?  Are you expecting us to open the picture and immediately think "now that's the man I'm going to marry"?  Or "well now that I know what his penis looks like, I might as well have sex with him"?  I can honestly say I've never gotten one of these pics and then had my opinion of the owner improve in any way.  

Don't worry, it's a potato

So why do you send them? And send them relentlessly?  Have they helped you get further ahead with women before?  Do you feel like you have to show off what you have and we don't?  Because while you might be unaware, we already know that boys and girls are different.

                                                                

Are you just following the bad examples of the idiots you see in the media?  Politicians and celebrities.  I don't know if you realize this but it hasn't worked well for them either.

I recently got in touch with an ex to catch up.  There wasn't any ill will between us and I'd noticed he was no longer on Facebook.  So I sent him a friendly text and we got to chatting.  Just your general catch up kind of stuff.  Then all of a sudden he texts me a naked picture of himself.  Out of no where.  We never even did that when we were dating.  So why would he send me one now?  And unrequested during a regular conversation.  What part of "hey how've you been?  You still living in .........?  How's work?" translate to "I would love nothing more than to see photos of your naked body"?

Can I make a suggestion, STOP SENDING WOMEN DICK PICS!!!!!!!  Especially when she didn't request it.  When have you ever heard a woman say, "I just don't see enough dicks in my day to day life"?  That's cause she doesn't.

JUST STOP!!!!

SAY NO TO COCK SHOTS!!!

If you feel yourself reaching for your smartphone while looking at your penis, don't pull up the camera app but instead call your sponsor and tell them you're about to use again, 

use your camera phone to text a dick pic.

ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT DICK PICS!!! 

On your mark, get set ....... DATE!!!!

"Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion."  

- Scott Adams

  

Movies, tv....just about all popular media outlets have explored the strange world of speed dating.  If for some strange reason you don't know what it is cause you've been living under a rock, basically a room full of women sit down solo at different tables that are spread out around the room.  Usually it's in some sort of circular pattern to easily maneuver from one woman to the next.  Then the men come in the room and each sit at a table across from one of the women.  The person in charge rings a bell which starts your (typically) 5 minute long date.  When the bell is rung again, the men get up and move to the next table.  So you're having several mini dates in one evening.  This goes on until everyone in the room has "had a date" with everyone else.  Hence the "speed" dating.  Make sense?

Probably one of the most well known examples of speed dating in film is from 40 Year Old Virgin.  Unfortunately that scene also ruined my name for life.

Speed dating always intrigued me.  Could you actually find someone through a 5 minute date?  Does anyone worth my time go to these things?  At the very least I figured I'd get some good stories out of it.  So when I saw a flyer advertising two speed dating sessions on the bulletin board at the university, I figured I'd take down the info and see what it was about.

The speed dating was broken into two sessions, a week apart.  The first session was the 35+ crowd.  The second was 22+.  Being as I am currently 35, that put me right in the middle of the two packs.  I wasn't looking to date someone my dad's age nor was I wanting to go out with someone I could have almost given birth to.  So I called the number listed on the flyer and explained my predicament to the women running the speed dating.  She said that I could go to both as it was different each session as far as what age groups showed up.  The night we spoke on the phone was the first session and the older group.  So I figured, what the hell.

Well let me just say, as I looked around during the cocktail opener, prospects looked rather dim.  The dudes who were there were older, heavier and less attractive than I was hoping.  There was however one guy who looked promising and by that time I'd already gotten there and paid the $40 entry fee so I had to suck it up and go through with it. 

And so it began.

Although I had little to no interest in any of the men there, I was still polite and pretended to be interested in what they had to say.  I mean we were all putting ourselves out there and it was a nerve wracking experience. The event administrator didn't have a bell to ring so she simply banged a spoon against a glass as our signal for the men to move on to the next woman.  The first man who sat in front of me was a tire fitter with a teenage son.  Older, balding, fat.  Many of the men were like this.  I felt like I wasted a good outfit and make up that night.  Next! 

Yes I know, I was at the 35+ night so what was I really expecting.  The session didn't have an age cap so really an 80 year old man could have shown up as a potential suitor.  But I was still hoping for better options.  What struck me about the men who were there though was their general lack of manners.  You might be fat, grey haired and a slob but I'm still going to politely introduce myself and offer to shake your hand.  Most of these guys skipped right over that.  Instead they tried to read the name tag on your shirt and check you off on the comment cards we were all given to write notes about our "dates".  What happened to "Hi, my name is....." and a handshake? Same thing happened when the administrator would "ring" the bell to signal the men to change women.  No, "nice meeting you" or "thanks for the chat", nothing.  They'd just get up and walk to the next woman.  Really?  I thought the older generations were supposed to have better manners and understand chivalry.  Apparently not up here in Cairns.

Not all the men were old, fat guys.  Some were down right bizarre.  One guy looked like a homely, skinny Mr Clean.  Complete with the earring.  Instead of sitting across from me like the rest of the men, he chose to move so he was sitting right next too me.  Felt a bit too intimate for a speed date.  He informed me that he also loves animals and has five pets himself.  He then proceeded to name them off, "Oreo, Honey, Licorice....."  Oh did I forget to mention that these "pets" of his were chickens?  Yes, the man has five chickens and has named them all.  Next!!

My final "date" was the one I thought had the most potential.  He was the only guy my age and wasn't too bad looking either.  He sat down and we politely introduced each other.  Then we just sat there.  I was waiting for him to say something.  He opened with, "I'm not very good with conversations."  Um, really?  After talking to eight other women you can't come up with a single opener other than that?  So I asked him what he liked to do for fun.  He listed a few of the normal things and DJing music.  He also said he likes to go camping and bush walking by himself.  That he likes to go off by himself away from everyone else because, as he said, "I don't really like people."  Right.  You don't like people?  Then what are you doing at speed dating?  And why are you looking for a girlfriend?  We still had several minutes left to the "date" so I had to keep talking to him.  I asked him where some of his favorite camping spots were.  I kid you not, this is what he said:

"Ah, I've made that mistake before.  I can't tell you.  Because if I tell you, you'll tell people and then they'll start going to those spots and they'll become their favorite spots.  And then I'll have to find new spots to go to."

Yeah.  That's how my evening ended.  "I don't really like people."  Yup.  So that was my introduction to speed dating.  Not sure if it's worth going again.  At least no one called me "Gyna".

Online Shmonline

This ain't your grandma's dating scene!

As many people know (particularly straight women), the dating scene these days ain't what it used to be.  Going out with your friends to the local bar, pub, club, bowling alley or pool hall is less likely to offer up dateable men looking for a meaningful relationship.  Instead we get slurred come-ons, drinks spilled on us, and instead of polite introductions, men make acquaintances with you by simply grinding their pelvis against you before even asking your name.  These are the calling cards of the modern man.  No I'm not saying EVERY SINGLE MAN in the world today is like this. But let's face it, a vast majority who go out socially at night are.

So what does a single looking to mingle do as an alternative?  We enter the confusing world of online dating.  I have used a few sites when I lived in the States.  Even had a fairly decent boyfriend who I'd met off Match.com.  Granted that was maybe 5 years ago but I didn't think much had changed since then.  After moving to Australia, a roommate I had in Brisbane suggested I give it a try in Oz.  So off I ventured down the rabbit hole of international online dating.  Here's a run down of the general experience so far:

eharmony - Sure you might find your perfect match based on their "scientifically proven" algorithm, but I initially started the 80 page questionnaire several years ago while still living in the States.  You can't just retake the test.  You have to somehow convince them that they should let you redo the test which is a huge hassle.  Quite frankly that thing took me years to complete and I don't want to do it again.  Plus you can't see a single image on anyone's profile without paying for a membership.  You can communicate all you want but you have no idea what the person you're speaking to looks like.  They might be sweet, caring and funny but  look like this dude in real life:

Match.com - While this site worked fairly well for me in the States, it's not so great here in Australia.  That in part may be because I was willing to pay for a membership in America. As I'm still a poor uni student here in Australia, I refuse to shell out money for online dating.  A step up from eharmony, you can look at the pictures on people's profiles.  However you can't see who's viewed you, likes your profile or read any emails sent to you without paying.  So it's essentially useless to communicate with anyone on there.  It's basically only good if you just want to perv on pics of people without paying to talk to them.

RSVP - Much better site than the previous two.  Basically you can look at profiles, see pics and even contact people without paying.  That catch though is that you have to buy "stamps" if you want to write an open email to someone.  You can initiate contact with someone by use of "kisses" which are pre-written brief messages stating your interest.  However no one can write more than the various "kiss" options until one of you purchases a "stamp" and then uses it to write an open email.  Now if someone decides to purchase a stamp and email you, then you can both communicate freely.  Which is great unless you want to initiate the contact.  This has left a few opportunities dead in the water if I tried to initiate because again, I refuse to spend money for online dating.  Have had a few potentials off this site but only one that looked super promising.

 

Oasis - Completely free.  Look all you want and contact who you want.  Once catch which actually isn't bad, you can't send open email until the person accepts you as a contact.  Kind of like friend requests on Facebook.  Helps to weed out the wackos from contacting you.  Unfortunately it also means you can't talk to those you find attractive until they allow you to and accept you as a contact.  Still not a bad option though.  Down side of this site?  Mostly dudes looking for a one-nighter.  Or a multi-nighter but nothing more than cheap sex.  No relationship required.  Ironically though I did meet my last boyfriend off this site.  He was one of the few actually looking for a relationship.

PoF (Plenty of Fish) - My most recent site membership.  Also completely free and there seems to be a much higher return rate on this site as well.  Have had lots of contacts and many conversations.  Even had a few dates off this site already.  So far this one has had the best results to date.  However it's only been a few weeks so we'll see what happens in the long run.  Still get the occasional offer for cheap sex though but they seem to be less creepy that the ones on Oasis.

 

So that's where we're at in the world of online dating so far.  This was just an overview to give you an idea of what I've been working with.  I'll go into more detail of specific posts later but this will give you a glimpse of what my online options have been to date.  With any luck, this blog will be short lived because I'll have finally found him.  Sadly I don't see that as being the case.

Courting...Wooing...Dating...Going Out.....ah whatever

Dating.  A word with so many connotations for so many different people.  New beginnings, excitement, sex, hotties, fear, trepidation, boredom, the dregs of society.......the list goes on.

As a single woman in her 30's, I must travel the perilous world of dating in the current times no matter what route that takes me.  Let's review the options:

1) Meeting in person - while out and about
2) Online dating via websites
3) Speed Dating
4) Set ups through friends and classmates/colleagues
5) Any other possible options I come across

Keep in mind that as an added hurdle to my little endeavor, I'm an American trying to date in Australia.  So culture and social norms are different than I'm used to.

Now sit back with a glass of wine, beer, martini or in some cases, a bottle of tequila, salt and lemon slices, and join me on the wild and sometimes wholly depressing misadventures of my dating life.